Tuesday, January 19, 2010

How to get a job with the NHL

Due to some superb Scandinavian undercover work I have been able to obtain the following transcript of a job interview from a high job in the NHL. The interviewee has been anonymized for privacy reasons:

Bill Daly: So, eh, welcome to the NHL. First of all I have to ask, do you know the game of hockey?
NN: Sure, I've seen the NBC broadcasts.
BD: Superb! They're the best aren't they?
NN: Yeah, they're pretty good. I especially like that McGuire type. It seems like he has some insight and he's chummy with the players.
BD: Yes, we're all really fond of Pierre. Anyway, have you ever held a job in hockey before?
NN: No, I haven't, but I was assistant General Manager of the Rockets 10-year-olds program in Bumfuck, Ohio for two years back in 06/07 and 07/08.
BD: Great! So you have hands on experience with player and personell management and you have experience from a sport that is popular with Americans. Great stuff! Can I ask you why you left.
NN: Well, we were accused of bribing the officials, so we all had to leave.
BD: Ah, well, no worries. That's all in the past. Do you have any experience facing hard media and having to answer tough questions.
NN: Yeah, we got a lot of attention in the local school paper, and I tell you, those little rugrats were tough cookies. And the local press were tough on us during the bribery scandal. So yeah.
BD: Good, good. So, do you have any specific tactics when discussing tough issues with the press?
NN: Yeah. First of all, try and avoid the issue alltogether, just talk around it. Secondly, do in no way say anything substantial or interesting. And thirdly, if all else fails, deny, deny, deny.
BD: Perfect. We use these same tactics here. So do you know Brian Burke? Ever met him?
NN: Nope.
BD: Good, keep it that way. Do you know the rules of hockey?
NN: I know like the slashing and fighting, but I struggle with icing.
BD: Oh, let's not worry about that. Here's a rulebook. Just read that.
NN: Thanks.
BD: Do you feel honesty matters in sports?
NN: What do you think Sherlock? I was involved in a bribery scandal for Gods sake?
BD: Yeah, right. So, you wouldn't mind a bit of a "storyline" around the league?
NN: Of course not.
BD: Do you prefer Hamilton, Ontario or Phoenix?
NN: Ontario, is that in Kansas? I have to go with Phoenix.
BD: Great! And last of all, I heard you're also a certified masseuse. You wouldn't mind some extra duty massaging the commissioner?
NN: If it gets me the job I'll do anything.
BD: Great, great! (Muttering under his breath:) I'm sick of massaging...
NN: Yeah!
BD: Congratulations, on behalf of the National Hockey League I can now inform you that you have the job as extra important excecutive director of rules, video review and public relations, and masseuse to the commissioner. It's an important job, do it well.
NN: Thanks man! I couldn't have taken a day more living on the streets.

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