Tuesday, January 5, 2010

If I replaced Gary Bettman

Nurse Nitz won the "How much do you hate Hawks contest" and got to choose a topic for me to write about. She gave me the choice between what I would do if I replaced Gary or the same about Tick Tock. As Kenny does things well, I will got with Gary.

I would get the game as far away from Versus and NBC as possible and get it back on ESPN. PRONTO. I would also try and make sure that Eddie Olzyk and Mike Milbury never got their face on an NHL broadcast again and that Pierre McGuire only got to Flyers vs. Pens games. (It annoys Pens fans to death to hear him praise Mike Richards).

Hockey in the Southern USA has failed. Move Phoenix, Atlanta, Nashville, Dallas and one of the Florida teams pronto. Moved them to Hartford, Quebec, Winnipeg, Hamilton and Seattle. Realize that while Jim Balsillie's methods might be childish he has cash and cares about hockey. The NHL needs both.

How about trying to market players who are not Sidney Crosby? I don't think you'll draw people to hockey by just marketing a guy their local team will see 1-6 times per year. Try and spread it around and market players from every team. In that way people might realize that "boy, there are some exciting hockey going on just near me" and come to the games. Of course in Florida, show everyone else. The Panthers are boring.

Winter Classic
Leafs @ Wings at the big house NOW! If that happens I WILL fly over to see it.

Train them, train them more. Discipline those who fail. Just get them to be better. Neutral zone referee forbidden to make calls on plays the nearby referee clearly sees and thinks is ok. LaRue and Watson should be fired. Intend to blow rule dies

JUst do something to make the exciting, protecting your players type fights come back and the heavyweight against heavyweight showbouts go away.

Point system
Abolish the shootout. It's a fucking joke. I like ties. 2 for winning, 1 for a tie, 0 for a loss. Simple and nice. An overtime loss is a loss. No games should count more in points than others.

Mickey Redmond and Larry Murphy
Mickey Redmond should be around me every day just to cheer me up. Larry Murphy should get Lindsay Lohan as his equally wasted sidekick. She'd be nude of course.

Sarah Palin
Sue Sarah Palin for mentioning hockey in the same sentence as her disgusting, disgraceful, moronic self.

Yeah, that wasn't very long, but I'm really tired and those are some of my ideas for a better NHL. However, here's a bonus feature:

A day in the life of Gary Bettman
07:00: Bill Daly wakes him up by gently singing Soft Kitty for him. Gary loves that song, but thinks the humour in the Big Bang Theory is to adult-like so he doesn't get the joke.
07:05: Bill has made Gary a nice breakfast consisting of Corn Flakes, Ham and a glass of prune juice.
07:30: Bill massages for an hour while repeatedly, in his most assuring voice, telling Gary that he's the boss.
08:00: Phone-meeting with Colin Campbell where they throw out long suspensions to Sean Avery (he gets more ass than both of them combined) and discusses how to hide that "little incident" with Sid the other night.
09:00: Gary shows up at the NHL offices. Everyone has to bow for him.
09:10: Gary phones the president of NBC and talks with him about programming. He ends the conversation by asking if there is something he can do for him.
09:30: Gary starts doodling while singing old Kansas songs.
09:45: The laundry of the NBC president arrives. Gary hides his drawings of hearts with Sid in them.
10:00: Gary does the NBC president's laundry.
10:30: Meeting with the scheduling committee. They all get fired when they try to tell Gary that Detroit is actually in the Northeastern part of the US.
12:00: Phone meeting with the KHL brass. Gary ends the meeting by asking Bill Daly to tell the KHL to go fuck themselves.
13:05: Gary giggles from his use of dirty words and thinks "hah, I bet that showed them".
13:10: Gary takes a nap while Bill reads fairytales for him.
14:00: Gary wakes up. Eats lunch.
14:30: Gary meets with his trusted men to find a way to stop the new Red Wings scheme for developing talent and winning games.
15:00: Work day is over. Bill drives Gary home.
15:30: Gary watches Barney on TV. He likes the humour action and morale of the piece.
16:30: BIll serves Gary's favourite food: pancakes with maple syrup smiles on them.
17:00: Gary asks Bill if it is day in Canada now so he can call them.
17:01: Gary calls the major of Winnipeg and laughs at him.
17:30: Gary calls Sidney Crosby. They have a nice conversation about life, death, love, Michael Jackson, shutting down OV and the new episode of Barney.
19:00: The conversation starts getting dirty. Gary pulls down his pants. *CENCORED*
20:00: Gary takes a shower. Bill scrubs him.
20:30: Bill reads Pippi Longstockings for Gary
21:00: Gary falls asleep.


  1. Beautiful. But Gary SO does not deserve Soft Kitty. Soft Kitty is for when you're sick, not woefully incompetent.

  2. True, to me it was more about likening him to Sheldon. Gary's sick in the head though...

  3. Things I Love About This Post:

    1. You included a tag called "fuckface".

    2. YES to your idea for the Winter Classic @ the Big House. Brian and I were talking about that on New Year's. If anything, if the Pens get to repeat their appearance in a WC anywhere in Pittsburgh--where there are NO iconic arenas/stadiums left--I am going to send a gift-wrapped turd to Mr. Bettman, via certified mail.

    3. I like that Gary & Sid discuss Barney. I wonder how well Sid's TV gets reception in Mario's basement. Hmm. Maybe they just have basic cable.

    4. Your commentary re: Sarah Palin. Dead. Fucking. On.

    P.S. I love shootouts...as long as the Wings aren't involved. I guess that says about as much regarding the merit of shootouts, right? Oh, well. They can be exciting, at least, but it's more of a skills competition than anything else.

    P.P.S. If there's a job opening for a non-naked cohort to Larry Murphy, I'm totally applying.

  4. 1. Of course

    2. It's the only thing that makes sense. If you do, then please take, no wait, just tell us about it. Don't take pictures.

    3. I have no clue about American kids shows, so that's the only one I could think of.

    4. Fucking. Hate. Her. And her party of morons. Kinda like Meghan McCain though, but that's probably just because I'd like to do her.

    PS. Shootouts are fun, but shouldn't decide things like points

    PPS. No I need naked! So Lindsay it is.

  5. 3. Barney is a superb choice, especially because I envision Sid/Gary holding hands and singing "I love you, you love me..." and then making out hardcore. Oh, god. There goes my dinner.

    4. Meghan McCain is a total dumbfuck, too. She pretends to have all these opinions, but none of them make sense. I was willing to give her an iota of respect until she appeared on Rachel Maddow's show earlier this year and couldn't articulate a single thought other than talking about how girls with curves should stick up for themselves when someone calls them fat (which I obviously support, but come on).

    P.S. Agreed.

    P.P.S. OK. But I'm banking on LiLo going the Anna Nicole Smith route soon, so if/when that happens, the job is mine in a PG-13 fashion, meaning I'll dazzle the audience with my awesome personality.

  6. 3. Haha. That's a nice thought

    4. But I'd still do her

    PPS. Hehe. Okay then.

  7. Big House indeed. Hopefully before I graduate, but probably that's not likely.

    My friend laughed at me when I said Larry Murphy looks wasted. He doesn't agree with me.

    And yes, every US broadcast has to stop talking about Sarah effin' Palin. Why couldn't she just disappear after the Presidential elections? I don't even watch that much TV except for sporting events and I STILL hear about her...

    Thanks for the fun read.

  8. Hehe, the Big House would be the place. Hopefully they can wait until I (hopefully) get there for my masters.

    Murph is always wasted. Always. Maybe he even played wasted, who knows?

    I am trying to find a way to block the word Palin from my computer, but hasn't found a way yet

  9. As usual, you have taken what I was hoping would be a pretty cool post and just blown it out of the water, exceeding all my expectations. I honestly don't think I've laughed that hard in a very very long time. Gary Bettman is such a fucking moron. I saw him being interviewed by the blonde broad on Versus who knows nothing about hockey but has nice breasts, and all I could think about was a douche he was. Honestly, I think listening to him talk ranks right up there with listening to the Chicago goal song, which makes me want to Kronwall myself. And to agree with you, no, he does not deserve soft kitty. Loved the Big Bang Theory reference. Also, I think you missed the time that Gary catches "Happy Pony." Hate those AT&T commercials...
    Re: Television - Agreed. Versus sucks ass. I can't stand Eddie O. And flipping through channels this evening, I checked out the Chicago vs. Minnesota game, and as per the norm, they totally had a boner for Chicago. I really think that Versus, Chicago & Pittsburgh just need to get a room and get the three-way over with. If the game can't be covered by Mickey, Murph & Ken, put it on ESPN.

    Re: Markets, totally agreed as well. It doesn't surprise me that Gary is desperate to keep his dogs in Phoenix, but I'm all for putting as many teams back in Canada, where they belong. I'm tired of knowing that part of my $$ is going toward getting Nashville good players.

    Re: Winter Classic. Gary, if you had any sense at all, you'd get this done, ASAP. My cousin & I have been talking about this since we found out the Wings would be playing @ Wrigley Field last year. 100,000 hockey fans at the Big House? I work in Ann Arbor. I'd be more than happy to fork over big bucks to see this happen & house anyone from out of town who wants to come to it.

    Re: Ref incompetence is at an all-time high. My dad reffed hockey for years (he actually played with Mike Illitch's son in the 70s), and I seriously think one of these days that vein in his head is going to burst at seeing the idiots that are being allowed to ref these days. My opinion? Let Kerry Fraser go helmet-less for the remainder of his last season. I miss the rude quips commenting on both Fraser and Marc Crawford's hair from the 90s...

    Re: Fighting. Love fights, but as you say, they need purpose. I still watch the March 26th fight on my Red Wings fan favs DVD whenever I'm feeling depressed. I still think my favorite "standing up for your teammate" moment this year was when Eaves tried to pummel Ohlund after Z went down. It happened right in front of us. Granted, I could've done without the roughing penalty, and it was a clean hit, but it was nice to see someone stand up for their star.

  10. (continued)

    Point System - Again, agreed. 3-point games have been the biggest pain in the ass... Was looking at the statistics posted by SnipeDangle earlier today & was just astounded by the amount of games that have gone to OT.

    Re: Larry Murphy & Mickey Redmond. In one of the moments of complete AWESOME from this year, I got to meet The Murph after the Bruins game this year. He actually seemed quite with it off the air & although I love to think of him being wasted during his commentaries, I honestly think he's had one too many hits to the head...

    Finally re: Sarah Palin - I change my mind. I'd love to get two tickets to Antarctica... one for her and one for Gary. I'm an an animal lover all the way, but I think it just might kill him to have to kill a penguin for food... That and no special phone calls to Sidney...

    On another note, fuck this is a bad start to this game. Just when our PP couldn't get any worse, we let in a shortie. And Howie & the D looks quite shaky in the first. Hope they get it together and fast. I can't stand the thought of losing to Anaheim. Yes, the Ducks have managed to find a way to make me hate them more.

    Thanks again for putting some real thought into this blog piece!

  11. Thanks! Gary's a complete ass and a moron. The reason Happy Pony wasn't mentioned is that aside from those commercials I have never even heard of it. And yeah I saw that interview too, but was kinda too preoccupied with staring at the chick's breasts to really listen.

    Eddie O is a douchebag. I forgot to add that Rick Jeanette (or whatshisface) who does Buffalo should be killed. Worst. Voice. Ever. Every time I watch on the Fly I hope the Sabres lose so I won't have to hear him excited.

    Winter Classic: Yup, should be at the Big House, but they can wait to 2012 when I hopefully am there for my masters.

    Fights: I am European, so fights just for the sake of fighting disgusts me. Meaningful fights on the other hand... Well, you can guess from the name of this blog that a certain game that you just mentioned is my fav game ever and gets watched pretty much once a month.

    Awww, I wanna meet Murph.

    I actually wanna deport Sarah Palin to North Korea or tape her to the wall at a porn studio in LA so she could watch people making porn all day.

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  13. Love your ideas, we need someone with hockey sense in charge of the NHL again. Or at least a disinterested Canadian...
    And nurse nitz is right, the Murph was awesome when we met him. He didn't even seem to mind that the people behind us had no idea who he was, though they still wanted the autograph

  14. I agree. I think having a guy who cares for hockey will make buisness better too..

    Oh, how I'd love to meet the Murph.

  15. How in bloody hell did I miss this the first time around? Brilliant, absolutely incredible.