3 years ago
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Nurse Nitz won the "How much do you hate Hawks contest" and got to choose a topic for me to write about. She gave me the choice between what I would do if I replaced Gary or the same about Tick Tock. As Kenny does things well, I will got with Gary.
I would get the game as far away from Versus and NBC as possible and get it back on ESPN. PRONTO. I would also try and make sure that Eddie Olzyk and Mike Milbury never got their face on an NHL broadcast again and that Pierre McGuire only got to Flyers vs. Pens games. (It annoys Pens fans to death to hear him praise Mike Richards).
Hockey in the Southern USA has failed. Move Phoenix, Atlanta, Nashville, Dallas and one of the Florida teams pronto. Moved them to Hartford, Quebec, Winnipeg, Hamilton and Seattle. Realize that while Jim Balsillie's methods might be childish he has cash and cares about hockey. The NHL needs both.
How about trying to market players who are not Sidney Crosby? I don't think you'll draw people to hockey by just marketing a guy their local team will see 1-6 times per year. Try and spread it around and market players from every team. In that way people might realize that "boy, there are some exciting hockey going on just near me" and come to the games. Of course in Florida, show everyone else. The Panthers are boring.
Leafs @ Wings at the big house NOW! If that happens I WILL fly over to see it.
Train them, train them more. Discipline those who fail. Just get them to be better. Neutral zone referee forbidden to make calls on plays the nearby referee clearly sees and thinks is ok. LaRue and Watson should be fired. Intend to blow rule dies
JUst do something to make the exciting, protecting your players type fights come back and the heavyweight against heavyweight showbouts go away.
Abolish the shootout. It's a fucking joke. I like ties. 2 for winning, 1 for a tie, 0 for a loss. Simple and nice. An overtime loss is a loss. No games should count more in points than others.
Mickey Redmond and Larry Murphy
Mickey Redmond should be around me every day just to cheer me up. Larry Murphy should get Lindsay Lohan as his equally wasted sidekick. She'd be nude of course.
Sue Sarah Palin for mentioning hockey in the same sentence as her disgusting, disgraceful, moronic self.
Yeah, that wasn't very long, but I'm really tired and those are some of my ideas for a better NHL. However, here's a bonus feature:
A day in the life of Gary Bettman
07:00: Bill Daly wakes him up by gently singing Soft Kitty for him. Gary loves that song, but thinks the humour in the Big Bang Theory is to adult-like so he doesn't get the joke.
07:05: Bill has made Gary a nice breakfast consisting of Corn Flakes, Ham and a glass of prune juice.
07:30: Bill massages for an hour while repeatedly, in his most assuring voice, telling Gary that he's the boss.
08:00: Phone-meeting with Colin Campbell where they throw out long suspensions to Sean Avery (he gets more ass than both of them combined) and discusses how to hide that "little incident" with Sid the other night.
09:00: Gary shows up at the NHL offices. Everyone has to bow for him.
09:10: Gary phones the president of NBC and talks with him about programming. He ends the conversation by asking if there is something he can do for him.
09:30: Gary starts doodling while singing old Kansas songs.
09:45: The laundry of the NBC president arrives. Gary hides his drawings of hearts with Sid in them.
10:00: Gary does the NBC president's laundry.
10:30: Meeting with the scheduling committee. They all get fired when they try to tell Gary that Detroit is actually in the Northeastern part of the US.
12:00: Phone meeting with the KHL brass. Gary ends the meeting by asking Bill Daly to tell the KHL to go fuck themselves.
13:05: Gary giggles from his use of dirty words and thinks "hah, I bet that showed them".
13:10: Gary takes a nap while Bill reads fairytales for him.
14:00: Gary wakes up. Eats lunch.
14:30: Gary meets with his trusted men to find a way to stop the new Red Wings scheme for developing talent and winning games.
15:00: Work day is over. Bill drives Gary home.
15:30: Gary watches Barney on TV. He likes the humour action and morale of the piece.
16:30: BIll serves Gary's favourite food: pancakes with maple syrup smiles on them.
17:00: Gary asks Bill if it is day in Canada now so he can call them.
17:01: Gary calls the major of Winnipeg and laughs at him.
17:30: Gary calls Sidney Crosby. They have a nice conversation about life, death, love, Michael Jackson, shutting down OV and the new episode of Barney.
19:00: The conversation starts getting dirty. Gary pulls down his pants. *CENCORED*
20:00: Gary takes a shower. Bill scrubs him.
20:30: Bill reads Pippi Longstockings for Gary
21:00: Gary falls asleep.