Monday, March 22, 2010

A day in the life of Chris Osgood (and Jimmy Howard)

Due to popular demand (2 people, yeah I have a HUGE readership (most of whom come off google after clicking pictures I posted of biathletes during the Olympics)) the second installment of this series comes sooner than I planned.

*WARNING: This post is mean, childish and rude. Chris Osgood and his wife should both leave the site NOW*

7:30 Chris wakes up. He wonders where he is. He then realizes that he has slept on the couch. Again.
7:35 Chris tries to take a shower, but his wife has decided that Jimmah gets to use the bathroom first.
7:36 Chris yells at his wife for ten minutes. He ends with calling her a poo-poo head.
7:50 Chris finally gets into the bathroom. He looks in the mirror. Nope. Still no sign of facial hair.
8:05 Chris wakes his kids.
8:20 Breakfast. Jimmah gets the best piece of bacon and Chris asks his son to throw him an apple. He mysteriously fails to catch it and it ends up passing through his legs.
8:45 Chris leaves. Due to Chris's recent bad driving, Jimmah is in the drivers seat.
9:00 They stop for coffee.
9:30 They arrive at JLA.
9:45 The lineup for tomorrow's game is announced. Chris is not selected to start.
10:30 Ice practice begins. Chris savours the ice time, as he only gets any in practice.
10:59 Chris finally makes a save.
12:00 Chris yells at Mike Babcock for 20 minutes. He finally runs out, crying and shouting "doo-doo-pants, I hate you! I hate you!"
12:30 Spends excactly 12 seconds whining to Tick Tock before getting the door slammed in his face.
12:35 Calls Ty Conklin and call him bad names.
12:40 Calls Mike Vernon for consolation.
13:00 Physical training.
15:00 Online video meeting in the "relegated to backup" support group. Chris cries for twenty minutes. Then Andrew Raycroft tells about his recent struggle. Everyone cheers for Vesa Toskala's recent success.
16:30 Chris comes home. Plays Play Station against Jimmah and loses badly.
17:30 Ozzie goes on a beer run. The cashier doesn't believe that he's 21, says he looks younger. And when Chris says "don't you know me? I'm Chris fucking Osgood", the guy just laughs and says "no way! That dude must be at least 50 now and you're just a kid."
18:00 Jimmah gets the beer instead
19:30 Family dinner
21:00 The Osgood family watches TV. Jimmah gets to have the remote since Chris has made some bad channel choices lately.
22:30 They go to bed. Chris gets denied entry to the bedroom. Due to recent bad performances his wife will go with Jimmah tonight. "Again, fucking fuck that kid," mutters Ozzie. "I will," says his wife.
23:00 Chris falls asleep on the couch, crying.


  1. This is really funny. I think your best was Babcock's though!
    And after reading this I feel sorry for Ozzie... But it's still funny. I demand more. Or, the two readers who requested more and the shy ones who don't comment and I demand more.

  2. Hehe, Okay then man. There will be more, but probably not in a couple of days.

  3. LMAO, Andy, this is another great one. After the news that Stuie could be out tonight, I come here and my despair is lifted a moment or so, because you know that of all the Wings, life's gotta suck for Ozzie the most right now. As a loyal reader who "loves your work," thank you!

    Props for the mentions of Conks & Vernie! I love the idea of a Back-up goalie support group. They're all such head-cases, so it wouldn't surprise me if they actually did.

  4. Love it, especially: Nope. Still no sign of facial hair.
    Thanks for listening to all 2 of us :)

  5. Thanks ladies. I agree Amanda, life has to suck for Ozzie right now. Poor guy, I actually really feel for him.

    I have one more typed up and one nice idea, so there will be more soon :D