Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A look at the free agents

Is Kenny Holland on crack? How many kittens have Bertuzzi eaten lately? And has Ritola called me yet? Find out all this and much more in this blogpost.

*Disclaimer number one: Due to boredom at work, this turned out differently than planned. Also, when I then typed it into my laptop I was high off my ass on drain cleaner after it reacted with water and filled my appartment with putrid gas.*

*Disclaimer numbet two: My personal angst regarding the salary cap and my denial to even deal with cap numbers might handicap this post a bit. There will be little to no mentions of cap numbers here, and the one I use will be based on stuff I have read on other blogs or pure speculations. No math was used, harmed or molested in the creation of this blogpost. You will not be subjected to math either*

I was thinking that now that Nick has signed for another year, I wanted to make a short post about what I expect to happen on the FA front this summer.

- Jason Williams: Unless Kenny is on crack there is no way he will offer Jason Williams a dime. And while I can't rule out that Kenny's unrivaled vision is the result of the use of mind expanding drugs, I have no reason to believe that he is on crack. So unless Willi Vanilli decides to pay the Wings around 6 mill to play here the next season and those numbers count as negatives toward the cap, he will most likely provide an invaluable veteran presence, cup experience and general uselessness to a bottom feeding team like Columbus or Florida. GONE.

I am writing this shit, or well the outline of it, at work in between customers. Yeah, that's how bored I am. Writing it in Notepad, printing it and then re-writing it later (right now). I just had the oldest customer ever. I swear he wa at least 287 years old. His whole body was shaking and every move of a finger took an hour. It gave me the greatest idea for a TV-show. Just follow an old couple like that for like a day and cut it into 24 hours long episodes. Perfect and soothing for hungover people or junkies with angst. And I am sure people on acid would find it "faaaar out man". In fact make a few bonus episodes where you give them acid and speed as an experiment. Or don't. That's just mean.
Fuck... Another slooow customer, like one in her 20s. You don't fucking need to do all that shit before you pay me. And put your damn phone down. Gah, the amount of hate I can stew up at work is amazing. Anywho, I digress. Back to the topic at hand:

- Todd Bertuzzi: Todd had a great season and if he is willing to sign around the same sum or for a little more he's a lock. I also have info that he entered kitten-eating rehab and has not eaten a kitten for 13 days and counting. However, he did eat a baby last week.

- Tomas Holmström: Unless his agent decides to stick that giant dildo even further up his ass and barring an unfortunate misunderstanding due to that tricky language barrier, Homer will come back and be a Wing for life. Bank on it. In fact, bet your wife and kids on it. Then you'll have two wives and a whole bunch of kids this time next month.

- Andreas Lilja: Unless he threatens to rape someone close to someone high in the organization, he is gone. Too expensive.

- Brad May: Right.

- Brett Lebda: One turnover, two turnovers, three turnovers, GONE. I saw him stumbling down the street heading for Toronto earlier today.

- Jiri Hudler is back. Did he bring more of those happy pills? We will have to wait and see. But what this team needed was surely the addition of a clucking, miniscule cock.

- Mattias Ritola was re-signed and it was glorious. He is still not returning my calls though.

- Darren Helm has already signed his contract. It just happened so fast that no one noticed.

- Justin Abdelkader will be back. And he will punch your face in if you try to inquire about what, how much and when.

- Patrick Eaves is a must re-sign. Not much more to ay about that.

- Drew Miller will be re-signed. He loves Detroit too much not to. My sources say the sum will be 1 mill and free use of the hair colour black no. 1.

- Derek Meech seems like a nice guy and could be of value to this team, so I'd like him back. But as much as he loves Detroit, he might want a chance to play nightly on another team. I wouldn't blame him if he did. I'd be happy for him. It'd be nice if he came back though. But fake-Meech on Twitter is a fucking asshole, so him I want as far away from Detroit as possible. Preferably in the Japanese league.

And that concludes today's session. I hope it sucked as much for you to read this as this last hour at work has sucked for me.


  1. The only one I'm not sure about is Lilja. At a significant pay-cut, he might be back on a one-year deal to prove he is healthy. I guess we'll see what July 1st brings.

    I heard a rumor today that the Tigers will sign Meech before the All Star break as a switch hitting utility infielder. Just kidding! :D

  2. Haha, awesome, I'd love to see Meech for the Tigers