Friday, June 25, 2010

NHL Draft Preview

As you all know, the NHL Draft is tonight. And the 30 NHL teams will be looking for different things in players. Some might need a scorer, others a goalie, or a goon. Some might need a guy who can step in right away, others can have more patience. Therefore I decided to look at all 30 teams and what they will be looking for in the draft tonight:

San Jose Sharks
As a part of their plan to shed the choking label, the Sharks will go for guys with big mouths and no gag-reflex in the draft according to my sources.

Anaheim Ducks
As always the Ducks will go after guys with high talent, a little douchiness and loads of dirty stuff. They also need players with good hair growth. And due to a recent conflict among their players, they are reported to only want players who have NOT won Olympic medals.

Los Angeles Kings
Seeing as the team is loaded with youngsters, they have no immediate draft needs and will therefore try to live up to the team name by only drafting players with royal bloodlines.

Phoenix Coyotes
Seeing as how taking the players no one wants has worked so well for them, the Coyotes will go after players on the bottom of the ranking lists in hopes of the same effect. They will also go after guys from broken homes and economic struggles, because of a theory that these guys will adapt better to the team's situation.

Dallas Stars
In hopes of ending their recent attendance issues, the Stars will only draft guys who will fit well with a Texas crowd. So republicans, white people, cowboys and war hawks.

Vancouver Canucks
Hoping to continue their recent success stories the Canucks will only draft twins and paranoid French Canadians this year.

Edmonton Oilers
The Oilers need Tyler Seguin (I am Team Tyler!), but will take Taylor Hall. They also need someone to injure Sheldon Souray, a team and about 15 acts of God. Someone call Diego Maradona!

Calgary Flames
Upon learning that one cannot draft former Maple Leafs players, the Flames pulled out of the draft, because they wouldn't get any picks that would fit into their rebuild plans anyway.

Minnesota Wild
Due to local pressure the Wild will mainly draft Minnesota kids. And then promptly trade them away when they aren't playing like MVPs in the second month.

Colorado Avalanche
The Avs are going for the niche of players with fear of large crowds. These players will be sliders in the draft as they would be rendered ineffective by their phobia in most organizations, but with the Avs, the phobia will be no problem for 41 games each season.

Detroit Red Wings
The Red Wings will coast through the first few rounds with no effort, then with their late picks they will pick some Europeans no one have never seen or heard of. Those guys will dominate the NHL for the next 20 years.

Chicago Blackhawks
Guys with mullets, criminals, douchebags. It has all worked before. And seriously? What doesn't this team need? Not even gonna make any jokes for this one.

Columbus Blue Jackets
The Blue Jackets will draft a few guys you will never hear about again. They also hope to avoid drafting anyone who likes BJ jokes this year.

St. Louis Blues
In an effort to get closer to their fanbase, all Blues draft picks will be players with inferiority complexes.

Nashville Predators
The Preds are dying to find a South African to pick. They figure a few Vuvuzelas would sound nice together with the Tootoo train whistles.

Montreal Canadiens
The Habs will draft players with a weak psyche, so that they break down easier when they are thrown to the wolves, I mean, fans.

Toronto Maple Leafs
The Leafs will go for guys with Beligerence, trucculence, incompetence, incontinence, low confidence, stage presence, impotence.. etc etc. No Europeans though, Burkie only likes North Americans. The one talented guy they pick will later be traded for Andrew Raycroft.

Ottawa Senators
Who cares? Everyone knows that a Sens pick has to whore himself out to at least three teams before winning a cup anyway.

Boston Bruins
The Bruins would like to draft someone awesome. Not because they need it, but to be able to laugh at Brian Burke. They also need someone who is tougher than Matt Cooke.

Buffalo Sabres
They will try and continue in the vein of drafting half giants with a penchant for stealing things from Red Wings players.

New York Rangers
The Rangers will continue to draft Russian prospects with strong wives. Just like that guy who bolted for Russia last year.

New York Islanders
The Islanders are hoping to draft a franchise goalie they can sign to a 15 year deal. Oh.. nevermind.

New Jersey Devils
The Devils scouting staff have spent countless hours watching players this year. They will select the ones who made their scouts so bored they fell asleep.

Pittsburgh Penguins
As a protest against being without a high pick for the third straight year, the Pens will skip the draft.

Philadelphia Flyers
The Flyers need a franchise goalie. So they will draft small injury prone French Canadians and half-talented goons.

Washington Capitals
The Caps have their eyes on a forward named Mike Blue. He is defensive as fuck and never crosses the offensive blue line.

Atlanta Thrashers
The Thrashers will not attend the draft seeing as they are currently on their couch listening to HIM, drinking red wine, painting their nails black and crying about where Kovalchuk and Heatley disappeared.

Carolina Hurricanes
Seeing as they just got a second Staal brother, the Canes aim to trade picks for the remaining two and use the rest to draft Staal cousins.

Tampa Bay Lightning
Who cares? Whatever Stevie touches turns into gold anyway.

Florida Panthers
When a team is this bad, they need to start with fundamentals. Therefore the Panthers have announced that they will only draft guys who can differentiate between a goalpost and a goalie's head.

4 comments:

  1. Hilarious and better than the mock drafts on the NHL website. Thank's Andy!

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  2. Andy, wow, guess what, I'm commenting? Can you believe it? It's been ages. You hit the home run with this one. This is freakin' hilarious, and really the perfect season/team dynamic in review for all of these teams. Honestly, I hope whoever's hosting the draft has looked at this fine piece of reporting, because it will be more accurate than anything else out there. Go Team Tyler by the way! Haha, the Commune discussed the "Twilight-ish" battle between them & I totally agree with you. I think Edmonton will take him as well, but Tyler would better fit the team. And with a few acts of God (since Frank Zappa, I'm sure, ignores the existence of all other teams except the Wings), MAYBE they'll not be the total basement this year. I'm thinking Florida will be.

    Also, I shudder to think of Nashville fans when they discover Vuvuzelas to go well with the train whistles. And thanks for the Staal-imagery there. ::Shudders::

    Go Wings! Go Stevie! And Go TEAM TYLER! Haha.

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  3. Thanks Amanda.. I don't even know what a comment is anymore :P haha

    And yeah, I kinda wish the Oilers some success since I want my brother not to be miserable :)

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  4. Made me laugh out loud. Good stuff

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