Monday, August 16, 2010

25:19 - week 3: McGuire, lockout, hatred and more

Welcome to 25:19, a feature that will run every Monday for 19 (duh!) weeks. Every week I will make 5 (Nick) lists, with 5 (number of rings Nick will retire with) points on each list. Thus having 25 (DMac) points in total every week. The lists will be random hockey stuff, some rankings, other in random order. Some will be opinions, others humour. I will leave it to you judge what is what. Hopefully you will find it entertaining and/or provoking enough to leave your ideas on things I missed and what I did wrong in the comments.

1. Five reasons why I hate Joe Sakic
- He was probably the best leader and captain I have seen that is not named Yzerman.
- He was a damn good two way hockey player.
- He had an amazing shot and was a clutch scorer.
- He's as classy a guy as you can ever ask for.
- He was not in the Winged Wheel, but in a fucking Avs uniform.

2. Five things NHL players can do if there's another lockout
- Try working in the media. Then they'd see how frustrating it is when they give you Crosby-ish answers
- Fighters can take work as money collectors for the mob.
- Show up every day to the NHL PR department and say their names in hope of teaching them to spell more names than just Ovechkin and Crosby.
- Certain players would wanna spend the whole year at the dentist, getting their teeth fixed.
- Make a touring all star team that can tour Europe, come to Oslo, face a Norwegian Elite League all star team and awkwardly lose.. wait... what? Last lockout you say? Nevermind then.

3. Five things that are good about Pierre McGuire
- He's small, so even I could say shit into his face and get away with it without getting beat up.
- He can't be on more than one broadcast at the time.
- He has never killed, raped or molested anyone. As far as we know...
- The hours per day he can speak and be annoying is limited because he spends so much of the day with Toews' and Crosby's dicks in his mouth.
- His head is so polished an arena can be lighted by only one lightbulb and the reflection his head gives of it when he is attendance, which saves money.

4. Five NHL team names we might see in the future
- Arbitrators - few things are as scary to hockey players as arbitration, this would have a nice fear effect.
- Biebers - this would be a great way to reach out to kids in America and gain new American fans
- Crosbys - not enough Crosby in the media. Only way to change that: Name a team after him
- Concussions - this team will feature players who have been matched against Matt Cooke and Mike Richards. Eric Lindros will be the owner.
- Cap hitters - Catchy name, right?

5. Five former Red Wings who can go to hell
- Sergei Fedorov - the king of selfish douchenozzles
- Aaron Ward - Asshole. Makes little girls cry
- Marian Hossa - Whores were never my style
- Anders Myrvold - First the coke. Now he beat someone up with a hockey stick on his birthday. A shame to an otherwise FANTASTIC first name.
- Jason Williams - I honestly couldn't come up with someone for this spot, and no one's gonna notice anyway. It is after all Williams.

Eye candy
For the guys:

Maybe not everyone's cup of tea and little too much clothes, but both I and a few readers love her, so sue me!



For the ladies:

4 comments:

  1. As far as Canoe never molesting anyone, we may not know, but I think Milbury's therapist might have a thing or two scribbled down about it in his/her notebook.

    Haha, I like the Biebers. I swear to God, that would probably actually work...the fans are that obsessed. Now if you could just get a Northwestern Division rivalry going between the Edwards and the Jacobs, you could make more than the NFL and MLB combined.

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  2. That's true. Which is why I wrote "as far as we know..." haha :P

    And yeah it could. And nice point on the Twilight thing, I spent 5 mins deciding if I was gonna go with a Twilight or Bieber reference

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  3. PEYTON! Glorious. Thanks for that.

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  4. Yeah I was thinking about you and Kristin when I decided to use Peyton haha

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