Friday, June 25, 2010

NHL Draft Preview

As you all know, the NHL Draft is tonight. And the 30 NHL teams will be looking for different things in players. Some might need a scorer, others a goalie, or a goon. Some might need a guy who can step in right away, others can have more patience. Therefore I decided to look at all 30 teams and what they will be looking for in the draft tonight:

San Jose Sharks
As a part of their plan to shed the choking label, the Sharks will go for guys with big mouths and no gag-reflex in the draft according to my sources.

Anaheim Ducks
As always the Ducks will go after guys with high talent, a little douchiness and loads of dirty stuff. They also need players with good hair growth. And due to a recent conflict among their players, they are reported to only want players who have NOT won Olympic medals.

Los Angeles Kings
Seeing as the team is loaded with youngsters, they have no immediate draft needs and will therefore try to live up to the team name by only drafting players with royal bloodlines.

Phoenix Coyotes
Seeing as how taking the players no one wants has worked so well for them, the Coyotes will go after players on the bottom of the ranking lists in hopes of the same effect. They will also go after guys from broken homes and economic struggles, because of a theory that these guys will adapt better to the team's situation.

Dallas Stars
In hopes of ending their recent attendance issues, the Stars will only draft guys who will fit well with a Texas crowd. So republicans, white people, cowboys and war hawks.

Vancouver Canucks
Hoping to continue their recent success stories the Canucks will only draft twins and paranoid French Canadians this year.

Edmonton Oilers
The Oilers need Tyler Seguin (I am Team Tyler!), but will take Taylor Hall. They also need someone to injure Sheldon Souray, a team and about 15 acts of God. Someone call Diego Maradona!

Calgary Flames
Upon learning that one cannot draft former Maple Leafs players, the Flames pulled out of the draft, because they wouldn't get any picks that would fit into their rebuild plans anyway.

Minnesota Wild
Due to local pressure the Wild will mainly draft Minnesota kids. And then promptly trade them away when they aren't playing like MVPs in the second month.

Colorado Avalanche
The Avs are going for the niche of players with fear of large crowds. These players will be sliders in the draft as they would be rendered ineffective by their phobia in most organizations, but with the Avs, the phobia will be no problem for 41 games each season.

Detroit Red Wings
The Red Wings will coast through the first few rounds with no effort, then with their late picks they will pick some Europeans no one have never seen or heard of. Those guys will dominate the NHL for the next 20 years.

Chicago Blackhawks
Guys with mullets, criminals, douchebags. It has all worked before. And seriously? What doesn't this team need? Not even gonna make any jokes for this one.

Columbus Blue Jackets
The Blue Jackets will draft a few guys you will never hear about again. They also hope to avoid drafting anyone who likes BJ jokes this year.

St. Louis Blues
In an effort to get closer to their fanbase, all Blues draft picks will be players with inferiority complexes.

Nashville Predators
The Preds are dying to find a South African to pick. They figure a few Vuvuzelas would sound nice together with the Tootoo train whistles.

Montreal Canadiens
The Habs will draft players with a weak psyche, so that they break down easier when they are thrown to the wolves, I mean, fans.

Toronto Maple Leafs
The Leafs will go for guys with Beligerence, trucculence, incompetence, incontinence, low confidence, stage presence, impotence.. etc etc. No Europeans though, Burkie only likes North Americans. The one talented guy they pick will later be traded for Andrew Raycroft.

Ottawa Senators
Who cares? Everyone knows that a Sens pick has to whore himself out to at least three teams before winning a cup anyway.

Boston Bruins
The Bruins would like to draft someone awesome. Not because they need it, but to be able to laugh at Brian Burke. They also need someone who is tougher than Matt Cooke.

Buffalo Sabres
They will try and continue in the vein of drafting half giants with a penchant for stealing things from Red Wings players.

New York Rangers
The Rangers will continue to draft Russian prospects with strong wives. Just like that guy who bolted for Russia last year.

New York Islanders
The Islanders are hoping to draft a franchise goalie they can sign to a 15 year deal. Oh.. nevermind.

New Jersey Devils
The Devils scouting staff have spent countless hours watching players this year. They will select the ones who made their scouts so bored they fell asleep.

Pittsburgh Penguins
As a protest against being without a high pick for the third straight year, the Pens will skip the draft.

Philadelphia Flyers
The Flyers need a franchise goalie. So they will draft small injury prone French Canadians and half-talented goons.

Washington Capitals
The Caps have their eyes on a forward named Mike Blue. He is defensive as fuck and never crosses the offensive blue line.

Atlanta Thrashers
The Thrashers will not attend the draft seeing as they are currently on their couch listening to HIM, drinking red wine, painting their nails black and crying about where Kovalchuk and Heatley disappeared.

Carolina Hurricanes
Seeing as they just got a second Staal brother, the Canes aim to trade picks for the remaining two and use the rest to draft Staal cousins.

Tampa Bay Lightning
Who cares? Whatever Stevie touches turns into gold anyway.

Florida Panthers
When a team is this bad, they need to start with fundamentals. Therefore the Panthers have announced that they will only draft guys who can differentiate between a goalpost and a goalie's head.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Breaking down the NHL awards, why Sid is the best choice for the Messier and Norway fact #3

So, the NHL awards happened last night and I'd like to comment on them now and try to look at why each guy won the awards they won and look at some of the voting results

*Vancouver’s Henrik Sedin got Hart Memorial Trophy and the Art Ross Trophy
Well, the Art Ross he got cause he had the most points, but the Hart is an interesting case. In my opinion Sedin was a quite worthy winner of the Hart. He had an excellent season and was valuable to his team. So the writers might have gotten this one right. But I can't help but asking if he was also helped by the fact that writers were tired of voting for Ovechkin and Crosby and felt Sedin was a fresher choice. I agree with them on him being more valuable, but we cannot dismiss the media's stupidity and hunger for something new, fresh and cool.

Among the Wings, Nick finished 17th with two 5th place votes and Z finished 23rd with one 5th place vote. Astonishingly enough, Jimmy Howard didn't recieve a single vote. Among the funnier recipients of votes were Mike Green and Paul Statsny.


*Alex Ovechkin of the Washington Capitals gets the Ted Linday Award
The players spoke and chose OV. Good thing they voted after the regular season and not the playoffs.


*Tampa Bay Lightning’s Martin St Louis wins Lady Byng Memorial Trophy
This is another choice based on freshness. Giving it to Pasha once again wouldn't be sexy at all, so the writers chose St.Louis. It also probably worked in his favour that he'd been nominated and then lost so many years in a row. While I admit that his penalty-point ratio is impressive, I find Pasha's penalty-takeaway ratio much more impressive.

Pasha finished 3rd in voting, with about half as many points as St. Louis. Nick finished 5th, Rafa 17th and Z 35th. Among the weirder recipients of votes we find Iginla, Thornton, Setoguchi, Doan, Crosby, Laraque and Chara.

*Jose Theodore of the Washington Capitals gets the Bill Masterton Memorial Trophy
While this is the most compelling of the stories for the writers, it is also a sad story and Jose deserved this.


*Dave Tippett of the Phoenix Coyotes gets Jack Adams Award

Yes, Tippett deserved this award. No debate there. But you cannot deny that the well publisized and as made for media-story of the ugly duckling Coyotes made their choice eaier. I also have to ask why only coaches who take a bad team and has a surprisingly good season with them can win this. Isn't it as impressive when a coach keeps a team good for a long time or like Babcock, fights off a storm of injuries. As much as Tippett deserved this, Babbles deserved it too.

Babs finished 4th in the voting. Among the weirder ones getting votes we find Claude Julien and Paul Maurice.


*Sidney Crosby of the Pittsburgh Penguins and Steven Stamkos of the Tampa Bay Lightning both gets the Maurice Richard Trophy.

They scored a bunch. Enough said. But Sid's comments on being out score two in the last game, to tie it, shows that he is a sucky team guy and a shit leader. You don't fucking go out there to win a personal award, you go out to win for your team. Sid's a dumbass and a lousy person.


*Detroit Red Wings’ Pavel Datsyuk of Russia gets Frank Selke Trophy
As much as Kesler was the sexier choice, reality and the huge difference in takeaways and talent lead to a narrow win for Pasha, good on the writers I guess.

Z finished 9th. Too many weird votes to mention all here, but the first place vote for OV is a joke. Other favourite stupid votes of mine include Sid Crosby, Joe Thornton and the Sedin twins.



*Pittsburgh Penguins’ Sidney Crosby gets the Messier Leadership Award

I can't stop laughing at this. What a leader Sid is! Worst captain in the NHL and he wins it. I guess Messier is blinded by his fame. I was going to say that Crosby isn't worthy of the Messier award, but when I think of it, he is perfect for it. See, why is Messier remembered as such a great leader? Well, for one thing he promised that a great and successful Rangers team would go on and beat a much lower ranked Devils team while being under 3-2 in the 94 conference finals. They did and then won the cup later. Big whop! This is his big leadership moment! If the Rangers had lost it would have been a travesty, so he gets zero points for this. Then he spent 3 more years in New York with little to no playoff success. In Vancouver he captained a team that reached the playoffs the year before he arrived to three straight non-playoff seasons, with worse records every year. And back in New York an guaranteed the Rangers would make the playoffs that year. This promise is always forgotten. Because it didn't happen. In the rest of his seasons with an OVERLOADED Rangers they didn't make the playoffs once. The reason he is known as the greatest leader ever and president of leadership and every other good quality is so people can mention him in the same breath as Gretzky. So to conclude, Mark Messier is the NHL's most overrated leader ever. Sidney Crosby is the most overrated leader in the NHL. So this award is perfect.


*Duncan Keith of the Chicago Blackhawks Gets the James Norris Memorial Trophy
I hate to say it, but this was the right choice. Keith was the best defenseman in the NHL this year. I do think that he got more votes than he deserved because he was the sexy and fresh choice seeing as the Hawks have been a good story all year. But he deserved it. Doughty deserved his nomination, but he is another overhyped young guy who got votes because he is young and voting for him is cool and fresh. Mike Green does not deserve a single vote, yet he came in second. Because of his offense, because he is a type of player that makes a good story. For shame. Nicklas Lidström, who finished 4th did not get more votes for 2 reasons. a) He has been so good that the morons overlook him when he is a little weaker, yet still better than everyone but Keith. b) He has won so many times that voting for him is boring. Which is why he didn't win last year.

Rafa finished 12th in the voting. Aside from Green, Erhoff, Streit and Jovanovski are other ridiculous choices.


*Ryan Miller of the Buffalo Sabers has the Vezina Trophy
Not much to say on this one. I like the choice, but he was undoubtedly helped by his status as an American hero.

Jimmah finished 8th with two 3rd place votes, which is too little.



*Tyler Myers of the Buffalo Sabers has the Calder Trophy.

BULLSHIT! Yes, he was great, but we all know he won because he is younger and thus fresher and cooler to vote for than Jimmah. The writers, like Pierre No Brain of ESPN got so hung up in the age shit. There is an age limit for fucks sake! Jimmah is under it and thus age shouldn't matter. This was a bad joke by the writers. They are doing such an amazing job of destroying their own credibility.

How the fuck did Tyler Bozak get two 5th place votes?


In conclusion I must just summarize and say that this yet again shows that the Awards are a joke. The writers vote subjectively and choose the fresher, cooler and sexier alternatives. Their credibility takes the hit for it. I am disappointed, but not surprised.


Busting a Norway myth
The third Norway fact is just a debunking of a Norway myth. There are NO polar bears in the streets of Oslo. In fact there are none of them in mainland Norway. However we have a large group on our polar island Svalbard. We do however have a very small group of normal bears in Norway.

Fight Night's NHL awards drinking game

What you need:
Tequila or other kind of booze

Shot if
- Gary Bettman says something stupid
- The Hawks gets wanked off
- The Hawks gets congratulated
- A Red Wing gets snubbed
- Someone not named Lidstrom wins the Norris. Oh.. wait.. well, drink anyway
- Sid gets wanked off
- If someone completely unrelated to hockey performs or presents
- If you wonder why the show is in Vegas
- If Pavel makes you laugh
- If Pavel is adoreable
- If wou miss hockey
- If you miss Ken and Mick

Empty the bottle if
- A Red Wing wins an award

You win if
You survive.. As always.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The NHL can eat a big fat... + Norway fact # w

So, this is so predictable. After opening against the Ducks, the Wings will head to Chicago the next night to be part of the Hawks home opener and banner raising. I knew it would happen. They just need to shove our faces in it. But really, this will give the guys extra motivation and well, it's the only good thing a depleted Hawks team will get all year, so I am sure it will work out. But no way in hell will I watch that ceremony.

Norway fact #2:
Short one today. To finish off the topic of language, did you know that Norway has 2 official languages too. The first is obviously Norwegian, the second is Sami. It was recognized as an official language in 9 muncipalities in Northern Norway in 1988.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Some signing comments and Norway fact # 1

Well, I am alive, I just feel like I have nothing to write about. About the signings I will say this:

Nick: Thank fuck. We need him. Good cap hit and I love that he holds the door open for another year after this.

Homer: Awesome. I think he can stay healthy through two years and finish this. The cap hit is very nice too.

Bert: Good that he is signed. I like the guy. I would love to see him defeat his demons and succeed in Detroit. The cap hit is a bit high, but as long as we get the guys we need signed, I don't care.

Big Flip: WTF? Well, let's hope he is good.


And now, due to popular demand (3 awesome people and probably my three most faithful readers) I present a new series: NORWAY FACTS!

These will be random and the first one is a language fact.

Written Norwegian exists in two standards. The first one, Bokmål, is used my 85-90 % of our people. It is based on Danish (seeing as we were in union with/under the bastards for so long) that has slowly been Norwegianized over the years. I write this way. Everyone normal does. This one happened naturally.

The second one is Nynorsk. It was made in the 1800s by a bonkers guy called Ivar Aasen. He went around and looked at dialects, than huddled them all together into a weird mix of a written language.

In junior high and high school we have to learn both, and 25% of official documents have to be in Nynorsk. No one speak either of the written languages, as everyone has a dialect. But Bokmål is pretty close to a posh Oslo dialect. Anywho, I am slightly buzzed on tequila and these links will explain much better than I can.. Weird shit.. Ask in the comments and I might give more insight.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

And we have a winner

Jennbikegirl won the translation contest. The right answer was the two first verses of Don't stop Believin'. Her prize is to choose a subject I have to write about. Congrats!

Giving out hints

okay.. since no one seems to be able to translate this shit, I'll give you the first line... in Norwegian...

"Bare en småby-jente"

Friday, June 11, 2010

Contest: Andy Speaks Norwegian

The first part of the vid is translated, the 2nd half is not. All you need to know you find in the translation of the first part:

Hi, the point of this is really that you have heard me speak, or say names and certain words in both Swedish and Norwegian in these videos, but you have never heard me really speak Norwegian, like in whole sentences and stuff. So, I basicly just thought I'd make a video where I spoke some Norwegian. And since it would be damn boring to hear me speak Norwegian about nothing, I wanted it to be a point to it, so I made it a contest. The prize is that the one who wins gets to choose an at least slightly hockey or Red Wings related topic that I have to write about. As usual. The point of the contest is that this part I have written down and translated for you, but part two of video is not translated. And the winner is the one who translates what I am saying first. Or if noone manages the whole thing, the one who translates the most. Yeah, those of you who know German, or have a good ear for language because there are so many words that are similar to English, should at least manage some words and to translate the whole thing should really be quite, it should go quite fast if you just think the right way and have an ear for languages. So, that is basicly what I have to say. It has been fun making these videos for you. So, yeah, we are starting now.


The untranslated part starts at 1:54. Answers can be submitted to my email adress puppetz4ever [at] hotmail.com.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

The FightNight Awards

EDIT 2: If you are not following @RedWingsFeed on Twitter you suck at life. It links to this and every other blog out there.

The season is over and it is time to hand out some awards here. Some are serious, some are less serious. Some are for the Wings, some are league wide. Let's go!

EDIT: Feel free to tell me everything I got wrong and who should really win and why in the comment section!

Let's start with Wings only awards:

The first one is already published, but I will have it again here:
Fight Night's player of the year
For the person selected Player of the game the most times at this blog
10. Ozzie, Abby, Miller, Malts, Stuart - 1 each
9. Cleary - 2
7. Bert and Eaves - 4 each
6. Mule - 5
5. Nick - 6
4. Hank - 8
3. Helm - 9
2. Jimmah - 12
1. Pasha - 13

Play of the game award
To the player involved in the play of the game the most times
15. Miller, May, Jwil, E - 1 each
11. Eaves, Helm, Flip, Kronner - 2 each
10. Jimmah - 3
9. Homer - 4
8. Stuart - 5
5. Rafalski, Cleary, Mule - 6 each
4. Z - 7
3. Nick - 8
2. Bert - 9
1. Pasha - 19

The Terry Sawchuck Memorial Trophy
Given to the best goalie of the year
Jimmy Howard. No question here.

The Nicklas Lidström Award
Given to the defenseman of the year
Nicklas Lidström. He was among the best in the league, as always. Stuart was the only serious competitor for this.

The Gordie Howe Trophy
Given to the forward of the year
Even though he didn't have the season we expected, Pavel Datsyuk was still our best forward.

The Darren McCarty Trophy
Given to the player with the most meaningful fights
Brad May did by my count have 1 meaningful fight (out of 10, his 2nd against Boll). So Patrick Eaves wins with his two.

The Chicken Shit Plaque
Given to the pussy of the year
Brad May for knowing he should have taken on Steve Ott, but not daring to.

The Frank Zappa Mad Genious Award
Handed out anually to Pavel Datsyuk
Pavel Datsyuk

The Youngling Trophy
Awarded to the rookie of the year
Jimmy Howard. No contest.

Glad to see you go Award
To the guy we want to leave
Jason Williams

L'Oreal Award
To the player who seems to use the most time on his hair
Valtteri Filppula. Z and Kronner as runners up.

The Head and Shoulders trophy
To the guy who seems to not give a fuck about his hair
Brad Stuart. Seriously. The guy needs to do something. He looks terrible.

The Angus 3rd pounder Trophy
To the guy who seems like he eats at McDonalds every day
Jimmy Howard

Over to the league wide awards. Let's start with the real ones:
Hart: Henrik Sedin
Norris: Duncan Keith
Selke: Pavel Datsyuk
Lady Byng: Pavel Datysuk
Vezina: Ryan Miller
Calder: Jimmy Howard
Messier: Nicklas Lidström
Adams: Dave Tippett.

And some of my own:

The Disciple Award
To the team that has the most reason to listen to Slayer's Disciple and scream "God hates us all" along with the chorus
Edmonton Oilers, closely followed by the Wings.

The ...And Justice for All Trophy
To the league's worst referee
Good field this year. The leprechaun really likes Mike Leggo for this and Brad Watson and Dan O'Halloran also stand strong, but in the end it goes to Denis LaRue.

The Paris Hilton's virginity memorial trophy
To the biggest whore in the league
Marian Hossa. Enough said.

The Master of Puppets award
To the best manipulator in hockey
Gary Bettman. His manipulative tehcniques in interviews sicken me.

The Detroit Sucks Award
Given annually to the league's worst bandwagoning fanbase
The Chicago Blackhawks fans. FUCK YOU!

The Know your enemy award
Annually given to the team we hate the most, aka the Chicago Blackhawks
Chicago Blackhawks

The Rogaine Trophy
Given to the player with the ugliest bald spot
Ryan Getzlaf

The Baby Born Award
To the league's most immature brat
Cindy Rosby barely beats out Pat Kane

The Claude Lemieux's dignity memorial Trophy
To the league's biggest cheapshot artist
Matt Cooke

The Mike Ricci Diploma
To the league's ugliest player
Rob Blake

The Bernstein Family 1-800-CALL SAM Award
To the most mentally incapacitated looking player
Tyler Kennedy

The Why does it hurt when I pee? Award
Given to the player we think contracted the most STDs this season
Aaron Vo, just kidding. Sean Avery of course.

Hatred

I was asked to help providing voters for a poll about which Detroit athlete we hate the most. And since I rarely get these requests I posted it. Petrella should go and vote for Bert, us others might choose something different (Raburn anyone?).

CLICK THIS THING

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

All in one post: Player review videos

Seeing as I am through them all now, I decided to gather all of the videos in one huge motherfucker of a post, so you can find the ones you haven't seen. Enjoy.

And the aformentioned contest video where I speak Norwegian will come tomorrow.

Goalies





Defense




















Forwards



































Player review video - Jimmy Howard

Monday, June 7, 2010

Player review video - Chris Osgood

Friday, June 4, 2010

Player review video - Niklas Kronwall



And here is the list of the teams mentioned:
1. HV71 (Jönköping)
2. Djurgårdens IF (Stockholm)
3. Linköpings HC (Linköping)
4. Skellefteå AIK (Skellefteå)
5. Färjestads BK (Karlstad)
6. Brynäs IF (Gävle)
7. Frölunda HC (Göteborg)
8. Timrå IK (Timrå)
9. MODO Hockey (Örnsköldsvik)
10. Luleå HC (Luleå)
11. Södertälje SK (Södertälje)
12. Rögle BK (Ängelholm)

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Animated video: Interview with Bettman

I decided to let my Leprechaun interview Gary. Sadly Xtranormal are assholes and decided I need to pay for the set, characters and voices I wanted, so it is kinda weird, but should still work. It works best if you have seen last night's HNiC interview and the one he gave HNiC a few weeks ago.

Edit: The vid seems a bit fucked here, so double click it and see it in ok quality over at the Xtranormal site.

Player review video - Jonathan Ericsson

When you thought NHL was incompetent

Yes, this is a hockey blog, but Armando Galarraga hit that bag at least a second before the runner, on the last out of what would have been a perfect game. And the umpire calls him safe. I am shocked. It turns out that MLB is as bad as the NHL. And they don't even have replay to check. I am gonna cry now. This post has no meaning. I need to puke.

Congrats to Armando Galarraga on a perfect game. It was perfect and I expect a LONG apology from MLB and Jim Royce (please die in a fire) soon.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

NHL 2010 Goal of the year

My thoughts about the central NHL aren't that high, but since they are the first people to ever ask me to spread the word of something on my site, I'll do them the favour anyway. This is the email I got:

Hi!

I'm Chris, the Syndication & Promotions manager of H2H Media. NHL.com is celebrating the end of the 2009-2010 season with a new highlight clip competition called 2010 Goals of the Year. Please view it on the NHL site here:

http://goalsoftheyear.nhl.com/

We're featuring the 16 best goal highlights of the 2009-2010 campaign, and two of those videos are competing Head2Head each day for the next 15 days. It's a single elimination tournament that resembles the March Madness setup.

We were hoping you could help my company and the NHL gather participants. NHL.com has authorized link sharing for this competition, so your site is free to spread the word with a blog post or link drop.

I appreciate your time. Email me if you have any questions, and enjoy the Stanley Cup!

http://goalsoftheyear.nhl.com/


So check it out or something

Player review video - Kindl and Janik



Here is the list of teams mentioned (location in the parenthesis):
1. Vålerenga (Vålerenga/Jordal, Oslo)
2. Sparta Sarpsborg (Sarpsborg)
3. Stavanger Oilers (Stavanger)
4. Lørenskog (Lørenskog, suburb to Oslo)
5. Lillehammer (Lillehammer)
6. Stjernen (Fredrikstad)
7. Manglerud Star (Manglerud, Oslo)
8. Storhamar Dragons (Hamar)
9. Frisk Asker (Asker, suburb to Oslo)
Up from division 1:
10. Rosenborg (Trondheim)

A look at the free agents

Is Kenny Holland on crack? How many kittens have Bertuzzi eaten lately? And has Ritola called me yet? Find out all this and much more in this blogpost.

*Disclaimer number one: Due to boredom at work, this turned out differently than planned. Also, when I then typed it into my laptop I was high off my ass on drain cleaner after it reacted with water and filled my appartment with putrid gas.*

*Disclaimer numbet two: My personal angst regarding the salary cap and my denial to even deal with cap numbers might handicap this post a bit. There will be little to no mentions of cap numbers here, and the one I use will be based on stuff I have read on other blogs or pure speculations. No math was used, harmed or molested in the creation of this blogpost. You will not be subjected to math either*


I was thinking that now that Nick has signed for another year, I wanted to make a short post about what I expect to happen on the FA front this summer.

UFAs
- Jason Williams: Unless Kenny is on crack there is no way he will offer Jason Williams a dime. And while I can't rule out that Kenny's unrivaled vision is the result of the use of mind expanding drugs, I have no reason to believe that he is on crack. So unless Willi Vanilli decides to pay the Wings around 6 mill to play here the next season and those numbers count as negatives toward the cap, he will most likely provide an invaluable veteran presence, cup experience and general uselessness to a bottom feeding team like Columbus or Florida. GONE.

I am writing this shit, or well the outline of it, at work in between customers. Yeah, that's how bored I am. Writing it in Notepad, printing it and then re-writing it later (right now). I just had the oldest customer ever. I swear he wa at least 287 years old. His whole body was shaking and every move of a finger took an hour. It gave me the greatest idea for a TV-show. Just follow an old couple like that for like a day and cut it into 24 hours long episodes. Perfect and soothing for hungover people or junkies with angst. And I am sure people on acid would find it "faaaar out man". In fact make a few bonus episodes where you give them acid and speed as an experiment. Or don't. That's just mean.
Fuck... Another slooow customer, like one in her 20s. You don't fucking need to do all that shit before you pay me. And put your damn phone down. Gah, the amount of hate I can stew up at work is amazing. Anywho, I digress. Back to the topic at hand:

- Todd Bertuzzi: Todd had a great season and if he is willing to sign around the same sum or for a little more he's a lock. I also have info that he entered kitten-eating rehab and has not eaten a kitten for 13 days and counting. However, he did eat a baby last week.

- Tomas Holmström: Unless his agent decides to stick that giant dildo even further up his ass and barring an unfortunate misunderstanding due to that tricky language barrier, Homer will come back and be a Wing for life. Bank on it. In fact, bet your wife and kids on it. Then you'll have two wives and a whole bunch of kids this time next month.

- Andreas Lilja: Unless he threatens to rape someone close to someone high in the organization, he is gone. Too expensive.

- Brad May: Right.

- Brett Lebda: One turnover, two turnovers, three turnovers, GONE. I saw him stumbling down the street heading for Toronto earlier today.

RFAs
- Jiri Hudler is back. Did he bring more of those happy pills? We will have to wait and see. But what this team needed was surely the addition of a clucking, miniscule cock.

- Mattias Ritola was re-signed and it was glorious. He is still not returning my calls though.

- Darren Helm has already signed his contract. It just happened so fast that no one noticed.

- Justin Abdelkader will be back. And he will punch your face in if you try to inquire about what, how much and when.

- Patrick Eaves is a must re-sign. Not much more to ay about that.

- Drew Miller will be re-signed. He loves Detroit too much not to. My sources say the sum will be 1 mill and free use of the hair colour black no. 1.

- Derek Meech seems like a nice guy and could be of value to this team, so I'd like him back. But as much as he loves Detroit, he might want a chance to play nightly on another team. I wouldn't blame him if he did. I'd be happy for him. It'd be nice if he came back though. But fake-Meech on Twitter is a fucking asshole, so him I want as far away from Detroit as possible. Preferably in the Japanese league.

And that concludes today's session. I hope it sucked as much for you to read this as this last hour at work has sucked for me.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Report: Nick will be back!

Just saw this from Khan:

The Red Wings are Stanley Cup contenders with Lidstrom. They would be hard-pressed to make that claim without him. Fortunately for them, they won’t have to worry about life without Lidstrom, for at least one more year.

A source told Booth Newspapers on Monday that Lidstrom has decided to return for another season. The club is expected to finalize a one-year contract extension this week with the six-time Norris Trophy winner as the league’s top defenseman.


I hope this is true

Scheduling update and randomness

Between work and a party, I won't be home this evening. So there will be no time for me to do the promised Janik/Kindl video today. So that will be done tomorrow some time after I get home from the friend whose place I'm gonna crash at. So, there you know that.

Some thoughts:
- I am disowning hockey for a while. Seeing the Hawks win is just too painful.
- Seeing Pronger and Leino lose feels good though.
- Anyone else having angst about Nick's decision? I might force my friend to let me check Snapshots for updates at least twice during the party tonight just to be sure I haven't missed any Nick news.
- Kyle over at Babcock's Death Stare wrote a fantastic prospect ranking. Check it out.

See you all tomorrow!

Player review video - Brian Rafalski and a little something for @Pete311

Here it is, with an embarassing rap and everything: